The Order of the Ninja Narwhal: Our Origin Story

The Order of the Ninja Narwhal: Our Origin Story

December 10, 2015 2 Comments

The Story of the Ninja Narwhal

In the 14th century Japan was in a state despair. Multiple factions were competing for dominance and power over the region. Politics where poisoning the countryside as allied Shogun began imposing their dominance thru military force.

In order to fight this furtive civil war a new breed of warrior was enlisted by the Shogun. Unlike the warfare tactics of the samurai where there were strict rules about honor in combat, this new warrior specialized in nontraditional covert tactics including assassinations and espionage. Infiltrating and sabotaging their enemies, their guerrilla warfare would forever change the battlefield. They were the original “Black Ops” agents…the Ninja!

However, once their enemies were defeated the Shogun needed to reign in the weapon they had unleashed. Despite their unconventional tactics and seemingly supernatural abilities to strike and evade during warfare, the ninja were outnumbered and collectively defeated and forced into hiding. The most elite of the ninja guilds sought their escape from Japan on a departing coffee trade boat en route back to North America. Accustomed to the finest teas, the ninja had never encountered coffee before. They immediately fell in love with the rich dark libation made from some of the most sought after beans in the world. In fact, they consumed so much of it that they started ninja smacking the hell out of each other because of being so jacked up on caffeine! Their legendary smack fight continued for hours until a single ninja flip sent the coffee boat captain sailing into the water. Within seconds the boat careened and capsized and all occupants were ejected into the icy sea.

Treading to stay afloat in the frigid waters, smack happy, jacked up on gallons of amazing coffee (and frankly…kind of pissed), the ninjas outlook was bleak. However, this was no ordinary ninja guild. They grasped hands and began their icy, jacked up, pissed off chant. As they chanted louder and louder, a blue-grey swirl came all around them. Enormous creatures from the oceans depths with ninjatos (ok, swords) protruding from their heads. These mighty ancient beasts that the ninja had conjured to their aid to deliver them from their icy misery we now know as the Narwhal. But then…something unexpected happened… the narwhals ate all the ninjas (the origin of black coffee…yum!)

However! ...Even though this was pretty sucky for the ninjas, the combination of the ancient sea creature plus the legendary power and agility of the ninjas who were all jacked up on coffee caused a magical transformation into a new type of beast… and this is how the story begins for The Order of the Ninja Narwhal. (and also iced coffee)

Confounding physics, the Ninja Narwhal are faster and more nimble than their human counterparts and have used their abilities to infiltrate modern society.

Infiltrate Society, Why?

Known to have the ability to transform or shape shift, the last remaining Ninja Narwhal have taken to land and sea to continue their relentless pursuit of AMAZING coffee. The Order is in search of coffee as unique and masterfully crafted as what they tasted that fateful day when they gobbled up the jacked up Shinobi.

Where Are They Now?

Hiding amongst us in the shadows. (granted, big freakin shadows) Always watching…always tasting…always smacking away the bottle of white chocolate peppermint candy cane mocha creamer at lightning speed (and then disappearing)…always focused on their coffee mission. Legend has it that when they find AMAZING, uniquely crafted, perfectly roasted coffee; they imprint and become a protector of the artisan responsible for the noble cup and defend them with their life. (yeah, maybe that’s a bit much) 

Have They Found What They Are After?

The Order of the Ninja Narwhal has made some AMAZING coffee discoveries. From travels on a Black Stallion while covering hundreds of miles in shoeless foot races alongside the Tarahumara in the flavorful and aromatic Copper Canyon to the discovery of a pacific northwest crew whose primary Intent is to use their amazing coffee to change lives... there are two known roasters who are currently under the protection of The Order of the Ninja Narwhal. (OK, its Copper Canyon Coffee Roasters and Intent Coffee Roasting …geez, no one likes riddles anymore!) 

Is there anything to fear?

If you roast amazing coffee, expect to be found. Expect The Order to appear and partake. But do not fear for you too can seek protection if your coffee has what it takes to impress a 3,000 pound, acrobatic, land/sea dwelling, magical, shape shifting unicorn-like cetacean Ninja Master with a sophisticated palette and an insatiable thirst for only the best coffee in the universe. (better double-check your roaster)

But if you do not make the best…if you do not put the level of effort and attention into your craft sufficient to satisfy The Order; well lets just say, legend has it that it doesn’t end well.

2 Responses

Wynn Holland
Wynn Holland

December 17, 2015

Make and drink only the best recommended by the Ninja Narwhal or the Ninja Narwhal will find you, throw you in the ocean and do 3000 pound cannonballs on your head!


December 17, 2015

Politics where poisoning the minds of ciffee drinkers everywhere and causing them to prefer tea.

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